Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
