broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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