Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
