I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
