Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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