Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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