its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
