Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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