My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
