i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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