Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
