how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
