so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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