Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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