you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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