I met the friendliest cop last night
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
