This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
