Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
