I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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