If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
