your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
