I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
