i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
