we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
