I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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