Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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