I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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