i need an iv and a liver transplant
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
