the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
