the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
