Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
