Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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