ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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