This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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