If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
