let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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