Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
