I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
