Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
