the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
