You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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