You made me cry and you don't even care
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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