I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
