yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
