fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize