i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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