drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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