Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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