she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
