Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do herpes really smell.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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