I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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