Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
