Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
