My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
