The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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