ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
