It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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