I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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