She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
